Grammar Gripes

Okay. I have to get this stuff off my chest. I am so tired of seeing poor grammar on signs!! One would think that in all the steps it takes to get a professionally made sign, someone would notice that the sign makes no sense. Ditto for poor spelling. A few examples:

"Keep doing what your doing keep getting what you've got"

"Helping reduce America's dependence on foriegn oil"

"He defines you and I."

Let's go over these. The first one not only lacks a comma, but also an apostrophe. Apparently they know what an apostrophe is, and what it does, because they have one of them. Why the first one is omitted is a mystery.

The second one is just horrid. I'm guessing that those mean old "foriegners" can at least spell.

The last is an ad on the radio. Every time it comes on I am reduced to screaming, "You and me! It's you and me, you idiot!" So far they haven't heard me. Odd.

So, now I have exposed my grammar police status, and perhaps a bit of my OCD tendencies too. Hope you still come back. ;-)

The Economics of Nails

This is not about nails used for building things, so if that's what you were after, you can stop reading right now. This is about fingernails. Acrylic ones to be exact. Exciting stuff, eh?

I was finally able to get my nails done today, and I have spent only $41 to do it. To give you some perspective, it should have cost $25, but I seem to like to do things the hard way, so I was able to spend much more for the same thing. How, you may ask? An excellent question my friend.

A few days ago I broke off a nail, and I also needed a fill, so I left for work early in order to have enough time to hit the nail place near my work. When I arrived I asked how long of a wait and was told "15 minutes". Okay, sounds good. I sat down to read a magazine from February while I waited. (Fortunately I don't keep up on celebrity gossip so it was all new to me.)

I waited, and waited, and waited. Then I was moved to a chair where I waited some more. By the time someone was ready to work on my I was hopelessly short on time, so I had him just replace the missing nail.

Yesterday I got up early (yuck) to go into town with my son and try again to get my nails done. I bought a few things at Wal Mart and had exactly enough for a fill and a modest tip. The woman started removing the polish and we found fungus under one of the nails. This was not good. It had to be replaced. Problem here, as I didn't have enough cash for a fill, replacement nail and a tip of any sort. I told her just to treat the fungus and replace the one nail and I went home again with unfilled nails.

Today, another nail popped off while I was making the bed. Upon examing the remaining nails I decided that I should just go ahead and have the rest of them replaced as they were looking kind of scroungy. Chanting "Third time's the charm" I trotted off to try again. I hit the bank for cash AND made sure my checkbook was with me, so I was prepared.

I explained my problem, showed off my two stunning new nails and requested that the rest of them be ripped off and replaced. After a lovely chat and more quality time than I have spent with my kids lately, I walked out wth ten gleaming new nails, complete with a brand new polish color. (Rosy Sands, in case you are interested) Of course, making three trips meant three tips, and I ended up needing more work today because I had waited so long and walked around with bare nails, but hey, I like to live dangerously.

Here's to nails and supporting the immigrant population!

The Secret Life of Teenagers

As a mother of three teenagers, I have the opportunity to observe these fascinating creatures up close on a regular basis. They truly are amazing. Of course, everyone has heard of the incredible eating ability of the male of the species, and the messy environment most seem to prefer, but there is more, much more, to teenagers. Let us take a look.

The female teenager enjoys a game called "Driving Mother Crazy". It can be played many ways, but one of my daughter's favorite ways is with clothes. She will announce that she has no clothes and therefore needs to go shopping. Usually I will do a search of her overstuffed closet and bring into question the need for shopping, but of course the answer is always, "None of those fit."

Despite the fact that I don't remember any dramatic growth spurts lately, I decide to go with it on the premise that we can have some quality time together. I am so stupid.

Off we go to the mall, where we encounter "hormone blobs", or groups of teenagers doing nothing. Sometimes several of them will be walking together, all talking to other people on their cell phones. I don't understand this. Anyway, we go to the mall and begin shopping. Notice I say "shopping" and not "buying". It usually takes a full day of shopping to come home with even one item that passes muster. This is because my daughter is not shopping because she needs clothes, but because she has fun driving me crazy.

Another celebrated teen activity is talking on the phone. I'll let you in on a secret here. They aren't saying anything. Nothing. I have stood outside my daughter's door and heard nothing for five minutes. Maybe the occasional giggle, but that's it. They stay on the phone because it is expected of them, and it drives their parents nuts. That's it.

Work is another interesting aspect of teenagers. When it is work at home that they are not being paid for, they must be encouraged gently with a cattle prod. When it is work for which they are being paid, they are out the door like a shot. It doesn't matter if the work is degrading and boring; it is the money that makes the difference. I have found though, that they still don't like it. They will find something to complain about because they don't have real problems yet.

It is that thought alone that allows me to go on. Someday they will have real problems, and then I'll be the smart one. hehehe

Brains: Do Men Have Them?

Now I know that all men are born brain damaged due to that testosterone wash, so I try to cut them a little slack, but I am still sometimes amazed at what they can come up with. Or rather, not come up with, as the case may be. I grew up with a brother and a father, I've been married for over 20 years, and have two sons, so I have had plenty of experience watching males at work and play. You would think that nothing could surprise me anymore. Wrong.

Take today for example. This morning I asked the kids if they want to go watch the fireworks at the plaza. They all think that would be fine. My husband was going to be at work.

I fixed an early supper so we will have plenty of time. When it is done, I announce supper to the kids. Twenty minutes later they still have not eaten. My oldest son's reason? "I didn't know it was ready." Of course. I was only standing a few feet from him when I announced supper. I can certainly understand how he could not know.

After that I told them all that we would need to leave about 9 to give us time to park and find a place to sit. At about 8:30 I gave them a 30 minute warning so they could get ready. At five minutes until 9 my youngest son wandered into the living room wearing shorts and nothing else. When I asked him why he wasn't ready yet he answered,"Oh, are we leaving soon?" Aaarrgghhh!

During this time my husband came home from work early and asked if we were going to watch fireworks somewhere. I told him we were leaving for the plaza at 9 to see the fireworks that started at 10. I tried to be very clear on this. Several minutes later he asked me what time we were leaving. I am not making this up, as Dave Barry would say. Then he asked me where we were going.

As I was gathering up children, my oldest asked me what time the fireworks started. After gritting my teeth and telling him again that they started at 10 he said, "Oh. I don't think I can go then since I have a class in the morning." Telling myself to be calm, be calm, I went out to the car.

The trip was uneventful until we neared the location and I saw that my husband had (once again) failed to put gas in the car and we were on empty. He was quite unconcerned about this, believing that he was going to just pull up somewhere close and find any number of parking spaces. This, of course, proved to be false. After driving around and around and around, he finally drove us quite a ways away and pulled into an almost empty parking lot right next to the transit center. We were, fortunately, able to see most of the fireworks from here, and we also had the added benefit of being close to the cream of the weirdo crop. Needless to say we hightailed it out of there as soon as the show was over.

So what I am wondering is: what do men use as brains? In just one day the males in my life had to be told multiple times the location and starting time of an event they wanted to attend. They had to be told several times what time we were leaving for said event. One showed a remarkable lack of planning, and rather poor judgement . I don't even want to know about other things that may have gone on that I don't know about. And keep in mind, this is one day. We've had worse days here.

If anyone can fill me in what what men keep in their heads I will be quite grateful to you for satisfying my curiosity.

Redneck Excercise

I don't belong to any health clubs or gyms, so I have to find my excercise some other way. I suppose I could join a gym if I wanted to shell out the money and drive a goodly distance just to work out, but I am cheap and lazy. Instead, I engage in redneck excercise.

This can take many forms, but mine generally involves animals. No, not that kind of excercise! Sheesh! Get your mind out of the gutter. No, my excercise is of the more family-friendly variety. In fact, sometimes in even involves the whole family. Let me share with you a few redneck excercises.

The Toenail Clip: Grab a recalcitrant animal, cat, dog, whatever, and a pair of toenail clippers. Now, try to see how many toenails you can clip before your thirst for a tall, frosty iced tea becomes overwhelming. If the dog is largish you may recruit a family member to help you, thus turning your excercise time into quality family time together. This works the cardiovascular system, as well as testing your clotting abilities.

The Sheep Shearing: This is a fun family event. You need at least one child to provide continual refills on the iced tea, and two strong teenagers or adults. More can be accomodated. The goal is to see how quickly you can get a sheep sheared. Points are deducted for cuts. For an added challenge, do a show shearing, which must be smooth and include the legs. Try to choose a hot, sticky day to do this for maximum benefits. This excercise helps you practice your deep breathing and works the upper arms.

The Cow Trimming: Trimming a dairy cow is the best because it tests your reflexes as you trim every last stinking hair from the teats. Again, hot days are best because the little hairs will stick to your sweaty arms, thus giving you an opportunity to practice patience as well as the upper body and aforementioned reflexes. The legs are also worked some as you do squats trying to shave the belly.

The Car Repair: This one doesn't involve animals, but is a perennial favorite amongst rednecks. Gather the family around your nearly dead but paid for car and make suggestions as to what might be wrong this time. Then, a couple of the family members make a run to the auto parts store while another makes iced tea. If there are any other family members, they can start the BBQ going. When the car parts are home, someone is elected to start removing the offending part. When they can't get it out, the next person in line can start. Eventually someone will be able to remove it. Or not. Either way, the upper body has had a great workout and you can all enjoy the iced tea and BBQ. Be sure to use plenty of sauce.

Gone to the Dogs

We never really planned on having six dogs; it just kind of happened. I was always of the mindset that two, or at the most three, dogs was sufficient unless one bred them professionally. And yet, here we are, with six dogs.

I currently have three of them in the room with me, which I think is some kind of record low. One is sleeping, and two are tearing around the room like maniacs. The two maniacs are doxies, the sleeper is an elderly beagle. Sleeping is what he does best. The other dogs include another doxie, another elderly beagle, and a larger than average golden retriever.

I know this is too many, and probably puts us in the category of "trailer trash", but there is nothing to be done. We are stuck with six dogs, three cats, two birds, and a hedgehog.

Of course, this is a major downsizing from what we used to have, but most of the animals were outside where we used to live, and for some reason they all think they live inside here. In fact, they think they live in my bed and under my feet, which makes sleeping and walking somewhat difficult at times. (Not the hedghog of course. He sleeps in his own cage and is rarely underfoot.)

So that being said, can someone explain to me why I still insist on looking longingly at ferrets, fish, hamsters, and basically any kind of creature I could bring home??