Redneck Excercise

I don't belong to any health clubs or gyms, so I have to find my excercise some other way. I suppose I could join a gym if I wanted to shell out the money and drive a goodly distance just to work out, but I am cheap and lazy. Instead, I engage in redneck excercise.

This can take many forms, but mine generally involves animals. No, not that kind of excercise! Sheesh! Get your mind out of the gutter. No, my excercise is of the more family-friendly variety. In fact, sometimes in even involves the whole family. Let me share with you a few redneck excercises.

The Toenail Clip: Grab a recalcitrant animal, cat, dog, whatever, and a pair of toenail clippers. Now, try to see how many toenails you can clip before your thirst for a tall, frosty iced tea becomes overwhelming. If the dog is largish you may recruit a family member to help you, thus turning your excercise time into quality family time together. This works the cardiovascular system, as well as testing your clotting abilities.

The Sheep Shearing: This is a fun family event. You need at least one child to provide continual refills on the iced tea, and two strong teenagers or adults. More can be accomodated. The goal is to see how quickly you can get a sheep sheared. Points are deducted for cuts. For an added challenge, do a show shearing, which must be smooth and include the legs. Try to choose a hot, sticky day to do this for maximum benefits. This excercise helps you practice your deep breathing and works the upper arms.

The Cow Trimming: Trimming a dairy cow is the best because it tests your reflexes as you trim every last stinking hair from the teats. Again, hot days are best because the little hairs will stick to your sweaty arms, thus giving you an opportunity to practice patience as well as the upper body and aforementioned reflexes. The legs are also worked some as you do squats trying to shave the belly.

The Car Repair: This one doesn't involve animals, but is a perennial favorite amongst rednecks. Gather the family around your nearly dead but paid for car and make suggestions as to what might be wrong this time. Then, a couple of the family members make a run to the auto parts store while another makes iced tea. If there are any other family members, they can start the BBQ going. When the car parts are home, someone is elected to start removing the offending part. When they can't get it out, the next person in line can start. Eventually someone will be able to remove it. Or not. Either way, the upper body has had a great workout and you can all enjoy the iced tea and BBQ. Be sure to use plenty of sauce.